Now that I know my dad’s record player actually still works, I really want more records. He has hundreds, all of which I grew up listening to, but listening to music on vinyl is just different than on an ipod or cd and I really want some more of the music I like to listen to on it. Been listening to all of the early Paul stuff he has since I got home. Quite the collection. It’s gonna take a while to get through all of it.

I was actually in a surprisingly good mood but then I started cleaning my room and I found old notes from people last year and now I’m sad.

I’m so sore. But it feels really really good. I love muscle pains from exercise. That’s probably weird. Oh well. Long shower to relax them, and then SAG awards. Sounds like a good way to spend my night. 

I told her how I can’t handle school and how much it’s stressing me out. I told her how I always put really high expectations on myself and I can’t live up to them. I told her how I’m so tired all of the time. 

She asked me if I was depressed and I had no idea how to answer her, because, no, I’ve never had a doctor tell me I was, but that doesn’t mean I’m not. I don’t know if I am. I just know I’m not happy a lot. 

Basically, I just cried a lot and didn’t end up asking her the things I wanted to ask her about my gpa. She told me things I already knew, like I can’t handle honors courses and I shouldn’t sleep as much as I do, and I should join a club or something.

My head hurt all day from crying and I still feel like shit, but I think I’m done caring about school. At least for a little while. I need to stop caring so much if I don’t do good.

I’m I’m tired of being upset and I’m tired of being tired.

No one understands just how much of an impact my cousins have had on me. Up until a couple of years ago I spent every single day of every single summer with them for as long as I can remember. Then they got older. They got jobs and friends. They would still come over and hangout with me. Just a lot less. They would bring their friends. I loved their friends.Most teenagers hate spending time with kids who are so much younger than them, but they all treated me like I was the greatest person in the world. They included me in their games and they made me feel like I was their favorite person. 

It sucked these past five years seeing them less and less. I got used to it though. I still see them once or twice every couple of months. It’s not the same though. They’re adults now, we don’t play video games anymore or watch cartoons. We hardly swim together or stay up late on summer nights. 

I know they are always going to be there if I need them, and we will always have fun. It just sucks having the people you grew up admiring, slowly growing up and leaving you behind.

I wish I was 6 again playing “basketball” with a lawn chair as a hoop, in the pool with them. I wish I was 6 again with them lifting me up so I could reach the hoop and then being thrown high up into the water. I wish I was 6 again so we could have cannonball contests. I wish I was 6 again so they could pretend to lose in breathing contests and races. I wish I was 6 again so I could see them every day and just be with them.

Can someone just shoot me in the fucking face and make this misery go away. I thought my anxiety went away. Or at least calmed down. But I guess fucking not. Coming home from school and passing out from exhaustion is not fun. I can’t even take an hour nap because I seem to be completely unable to handle my work load.

I get upset because I fell asleep and should have been working on my project, but I cant concentrate on the project because I’m tired. It’s a horrible horrible cycle.

It’s not fucking fair. I try so hard and cant even manage to get all A’s. I stay up till midnight every night doing homework and still dont understand half of it. I hate how my brother can never do assignments and still pass.

I hate that I get so worked up over things because it only gets my mom mad at me for being upset. I hate that everyone else can handle school with no problem and can understand everything and go to bed at 9:00. I hate that people who have so much more to worry about than me, manage to just fly by.

It’s not fair that I try so hard to make my parents happy, to prove I’m not completely useless, but they don’t care if I do good or bad. It doesn’t matter that I got an A on a really hard test. They dont care. They don’t care if I fail. It sucks. I try hardest out of all of their kids and get no recognition. No “Good job sweetie” nothing.

I should be used to this. I should be able to handle this. I can’t fucking breathe. 

I need a break. I really just fucking hate myself for not being able to handle anything. My parents think I’m better because I stopped throwing up every night, but that doesn’t mean I’m okay.

I can’t fucking do this.

Sometimes there are moments when I feel like these little surges where I feel really happy and proud of my friends. For dumb reasons.

Like when they say they bought a physical cd.
Or that they listened to a song I like.
Or they really want to see that play on broadway that I want to see. 

We’re so different from each other, but there are these little simple similarities that make me smile. 

I dont really have many.

2011 was such a blah year for me, and really bad on me emotionally. The good times were few and far between.

The highlights of my year include

• Meeting/actually getting close with my two best friends and reconnecting with another one of my closest friends
• Seeing Yellowcard, after years of waiting, on Dirty Work
• Seeing Good Charlotte finally and Yellowcard(again) at the second best concert I’ve ever been to
• Warped ‘11- Meeting Simple Plan and Steven Kopacz and Alex Reed and seeing Go Radio, Simple Plan, and Relient K for the first times
• Meeting All Time Low, and seeing them again even the crowd sucked and I didnt enjoy it that much
• Seeing my two favorite bands tour together, and meeting/talking to the Go Radio boys and Ryan Key, Sean Mackin, and LP afterwards. This was probably the best night of my entire life.

2011 was a pretty good year for me music wise. I am very lucky and grateful for all of the things I experienced. It just wasn’t a good year for me emotionally or socially. Let’s hope 2012 is better. If any of the rumored tours are true, it should be fun.

I’m going out to party with my cousin like I do every NYE. I hope you all have a wonderful safe night and here’s to a great 2012 for everyone. You all deserve it.

Happy New Years guys. <3

Every concert I’ve ever gone to has been with my cousin who is like my best friend, which is awesome because she’s great, but it also sucks. I always feel self conscious when my friends hear the music I listen to, I dont know why„ so I never would bring them to shows. I just wish I had friends that liked the music I like, because my cousin doesnt like some bands that I like, like Jack’s Mannequin, Panic!, Relient K, or soo many others. That’s a lot of concerts she wont go to. 

It sucks. If I had more friends who liked my music, then I wouldn’t have to find someone new each year to take to Warped. It’s such a hassle explaining to people’s parents that I’ll be picking their kid up at 7 in the morning on a week day to go two hours away to the shore, to spend the day listening to music with hundreds of other people, and bringing them home at 1 in the morning.

I wish people I liked had good taste.

He made me choose between one with an interview with Andrew McMahon, one with Patrick Stump, and two with Yellowcard interviews/reviews.

You know how hard of a decision that was? SUPER HARD.

And he’s not even letting me have it until Christmas 

:(